First, let me say that even attempting to write about my journey is difficult. Being faced with trauma and coming out on the other side has been one of the most challenging things I continue to work through each day. Some days are more intense than others but getting through each day has helped me to realize that it is possible!

Several years ago, my integrity, character, morals, and values were “put on trial” in a way that completely destroyed me. I had never thought that the person I was would be called into question the way I was that day. People that I thought I knew and were friends with positioned me as the enemy. I was presented verbally with twisted information that made me look like a conspirator, whose decision-making skills would put an organization at risk. Once given this information I was given the “opportunity” to defend myself, on the spot with no written evidence against me and absolutely no time to prepare or truly understand what was actually happening that afternoon. I “pled” not guilty and quickly put together why this was so.

Then I was asked to leave. I was told that I would be summoned once a decision was made. I was told to go back to my room, stay there, and not to contact or speak with anyone. I was threatened that if I did so I could be faced with legal action and potentially have my standing within the organization taken away. I left and was alone for approximately 8 hours before I was told to return. When I was called to return, I was given the outcome of the “proceedings”. This was an out of body experience for me, which I was later told was called disassociation. It felt like I was in the room and just observing what was happening rather than actually living these moments. I remember asking questions about what came next, and no one could answer my questions until they consulted with an outside party, who they called in the corner of the room far enough away so I couldn’t hear the conversation. I can tell you the set-up of the room and all about the abstract piece of art in shades of light blue and pink that I stared at the entire time. I could share more about that day, but there is no need. Within that 12-hour period of time I was ruined and every sense of confidence I had ever had in myself disappeared.

I spent the next year or so trying to manage life as a full-time Ph.D. candidate while attempting to put the pieces of everything that happened that day to rest in my mind. Turns out that was a complete impossibility and as much as I tried to put the past behind me, I was simply caught so far up in a world of emotional and mental instability. I tried to get help; I really did! Nothing worked! I was a different person - my friends told me so. My anxiety was at a level I never thought possible. I became depressed and withdrawn and I would spend hours a day crying or in bed. I wasn’t sleeping. I panicked thinking something else would happen and I felt like the world was against me. I questioned my professional career fearing that those who put me in this position would never end their quest to destroy me.

After numerous doctor visits over several years and a variety of prescriptions written to help my emotional state, I FINALLY found a team of people to assist in my recovery. My therapist put me on a treatment plan that including better self-care, journaling, talk therapy, and brain spotting. My psychiatrist took time to listen to what I was experiencing emotionally and helped to find the correct medication for me. I still see both regularly today. They helped save me and were able to put a name to everything I had experienced over the past few years.

I was diagnosed with severe anxiety, depression, panic attacks, and post-traumatic stress disorder. My therapist helped me put words to what had happened to me. I was hazed by the people I had around me, those that I thought were working in the best interests alongside me.

Two years ago, I fulfilled 2 of my lifelong dreams - I bought a home for the first time and I got a golden retriever puppy. I named him Burreaux after Joe Burrow (from LSU). Burreaux filled a hole within me that I didn’t even know existed. He became my everything! He listened. He sat on my lap when I had awful days. He would come to me when I was crying like he knew I needed comfort. Burreaux has become my unofficial therapy dog by just simply being with me, offering unconditional love whenever I need it most. He mellows me when I get to an anxious breaking point and makes me smile when I feel depressed. It’s like he knows what I need before I do. I could sit and snuggle with him for hours and be completely content. He makes me feel safe!!

Now, years later, I am better - yet not completely healed. I’m not sure I ever will be honestly, but my mindset has shifted a bit. All my diagnoses will never go away completely but I have learned to manage my thoughts and emotions a little differently these days, although still not perfect. My therapist and I now meet every other week instead of more than once a week. I see my psychiatrist every 3 months instead of every 3 weeks. I have amazing friends surrounding me that have supported and encouraged my journey to healing and make me laugh. I obtained my doctorate and have a career that I love, and I am so proud of.

I wanted to share my story because I believe it is important to talk about mental health and the impact it can have on ones’ life. These past few years have been very difficult, and things were definitely not all sunshine and roses, but beginning to learn how to manage my emotions and feelings in a more positive way have been the most beautiful lessons. I am grateful for those that have been a major part of my journey. I promise to continue working on my own self-care and helping those who may need to hear my story to begin their own journey of healing.